Knowing how to say “no” can be a transformative skill to have in a career filled with pressure to accept every opportunity. Learn the questions you can ask yourself, when in a situation where you might say “no”, and how to gain confidence when doing so.
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”
Warren Buffett, CEO of Berkshire Hathaway
Years ago, I was up for a promotion at work. While no one officially told me that I was the frontrunner, that was the word on the street. My personality is such that, when someone tells me I’m good at something, or that I would be good at something, the words I hear are “It is a morally right thing for you to do this, and to turn it down is to be ungrateful and unwise, an egregious miscarriage of justice, how could you ever be so foolish?” So of course, I polished my resume, drafted a cover letter and applied.
Only then did I start to think about whether or not I actually wanted the promotion and the work that came with it. Did I want to be a supervisor? Did I want to give up my current duties in favor of whatever responsibilities and pressures the new role entailed? In my gut, I knew the answer as a hard no, but to think it, much less say it, felt impossible. Surely people would judge me; they’d call me selfish or lazy or foolish. Surely to turn down an opportunity, especially one for which I was apparently a shoo-in, was an irresponsible career move. But here’s what happened: when I finally got to the point where I could utter the words “I don’t want to do this,” a fog lifted, and the burden dissolved. Oh my gosh, I realized. I really don’t want to do this, and I don’t have to! No one is forcing me, and I’m not in trouble if I turn it down.
And when I eventually told people, they more or less understood. Some were surprised or disappointed, but they knew that, as it turns out, I am the expert on what I can handle and how full my plate should be. Turning down the opportunity helped me clarify my priorities, understand my limits and decide what I wanted next for myself. Maybe you’re in a similar spot. If so, here are questions to ask yourself when you feel compelled to agree to something—as well as ways to stand your ground if you decide instead to say no.
Get the Lay of the Land
I’ve often found myself repeating the title of Megan LeBoutillier’s famous book, “No” Is a Complete Sentence. I’m fairly certain I first heard the phrase while watching Oprah on a sick day in middle school or high school, and sure, I’m a little embarrassed by that fact, but the idea has stuck with me: “No” is a complete sentence, and one that doesn’t necessarily require explanation.
However, regardless of LeBoutillier’s wonderful platitudes and her encouragement to “learn to say ‘no’—and allow yourself to say ‘yes’ to life, freedom and self-respect,” you also need to, you know, remain employed. All the self-respect in the world is not enough to undo the fact that having a job sometimes means losing the freedoms we might otherwise enjoy, and that includes the freedom to say “no” whenever we want.
So when opportunities present themselves, whether prospective leadership roles or requests to take on more work, you have to ask yourself how much freedom you really have. Is it realistic to turn down the offer or request, with the knowledge that someone else will be ready to pick up the slack, or is this a make-or-break situation? Are you being invited to do something, or are you being voluntold?
Ignore the Title and Think About the Work
If you actually can say “no” without the fear of professional repercussions or some sort of institutional set-back, then the ball really is in your court. Now it comes down to what you want.
I’m not proud of this fact, but here’s the truth: part of the appeal with any opportunity is how it will make me look. Will I get a new title? Will people see me serving selflessly and with aplomb and be forced to admire how capable I am? Will this be another line of my resume to dazzle future employers? Those questions are fine, but sometimes it’s worthwhile to table them and focus solely on the work itself.
What we should really ask ourselves are questions like these: Will the work feel meaningful, and will my daily tasks give me a sense of purpose? Is what I’m being asked to do a light lift, a healthy challenge or something that will blow up my already full plate? Will I come home from work energized or hating myself in the world? Because in the end, no title, resume-builder or managerial pat on the back is worth being miserable and stressed and overworked. If the work itself isn’t worth it, then the accolades that may come with taking it on shouldn’t be enough to influence your decision, either.
Ask: Stepping Stone or Something Else?
The thing that can be hard to discern, however, is whether or not the opportunity you have really is a necessary evil steppingstone. If you find that you’re able to draw a line from this next step to the achievement of future aspirations, then it’s a no-brainer. Saying yes to this request is, potentially, saying yes to the career you want in the long run.
But if that isn’t the case, then you have the chance to pull back and assess what’s really going on. I have been offered roles before that looked nice and shiny, only to realize that, in reality, someone else somewhere higher up no longer wanted to do one of their standard tasks. That isn’t an opportunity—that’s just someone else’s cast off.
And guess what? You can say that! You can say, “It sounds like I’m being asked to do work that previously fell within someone else’s purview. What will compensation look like for this work?” Maybe the answer will make it worth your while, but if not, saying no demonstrates both self-respect and a desire to take your current position seriously.
Trust Yourself
When all is said and done, you have to go with your gut and trust yourself. This means, also, trusting the work that you put in each day and trusting that your superiors are aware of your past efforts. In fact, if you frame it correctly, to say no is to demonstrate a commitment to your current load—to pursuing excellence what you’re already doing. Doing good work within a measured scope is far more impressive than doing a lot of things poorly.
And remember that turning down something once doesn’t mean turning everything down forever. In all likelihood, more opportunities will come along, and it’s important that you work diligently with that in mind. Jobs, promotions and projects come and go. Whether you say yes to them is entirely up to you.
Andrew Forrester is a writer whose work has appeared in Parents Magazine, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and elsewhere. Andrew also teaches English and creative writing in Austin, Texas, and has a Ph.D. in English literature from Southern Methodist University.
Learning and professional growth go hand in hand. For regular career insights and information on continuing education programs offered by UT’s Center for Professional Education, subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter, It’s Your Career.
