Understanding the line between true assertiveness and aggression is key to professional success. Discover what true assertiveness looks like, how to cultivate it with confidence, and how to pursue your goals without stepping on others.
“To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.”
Edith Eva Eger, American Psychologist
There’s an old truism that assertive men are lauded as leaders and go-getters while assertive women are unfairly viewed as bossy and shrill. I have seen this in my own career, though with less frequency, I’m sure, than people from generations before mine. But I’d like to add a caveat to this old wisdom, which is that sometimes people, regardless of gender, think they’re being assertive when they’re really just being jerks.
I once had a boss who saw himself as an “alpha male”—a phrase he actually used in the presence of team members. For him, this meant speaking his mind without any attempt at tact, making decisions with little input, refusing pushback and demanding his employees’ dutiful compliance. If you asked him why he behaved this way, I am certain he, too, would use the word “assertive” to explain himself . . . but my fellow employees and I would’ve been less kind.
Here’s my theory on the subject of assertiveness: the people worried that being assertive might be a little bit rude are the least likely offenders, while those who are certain they’re “just being honest” and “just speaking their minds” are the ones who could stand to think a little bit about optics and others’ perception of them. So how do you know which side you fall on? And how do you stand your ground and go after what you want without ruffling everyone’s feathers?
What Do We Actually Mean by Assertive?
Here is a list of things that do not count as assertiveness: being blatantly rude; stubbornly demanding your own way; using demeaning or demoralizing language; critiquing people’s choices without first trying to understand why they made them; sabotaging or diminishing the work of others in order elevate yourself; yelling. Okay, that last one is obvious. Actually, in an ideal world, they would all be obvious. And yet, we’ve all worked with people who excuse their bad behavior in the name of authenticity and gumption and decisiveness.
So what does assertiveness actually look like? It starts with self-confidence: it starts with trusting in your instincts, your moral compass and your good judgment, and making a belief in those qualities foundational for your own decision-making. When it comes time for a choice, or to offer input into a group decision, or when something at work feels like a contradiction of those core parts of yourself, assertiveness means choosing to act.
Imagine your team is about to present a proposal and someone makes a last-minute edit that doesn’t sit right with you. You could sit back in the name of harmony, or you could trust your gut. This is an important proposal after all, and in some cases, being right really is more important than being polite. To be assertive, then, is to commit yourself to your principles.
One more example: there’s a promotion on the table, and you want it. The assertive thing—and again, I hope this is obvious—is to make that desire clear. Make sure the people in power know that you want it, why you want it and why you think you deserve it. Some people find it difficult to toot their own horn (again, these are the people who are least likely to offend), but in contexts like these, self-belief is crucial. I can do this, you should say, to yourself and others, and here’s why.
Lay the Groundwork
But before you start walking through the office wearing sunglasses, strutting with the confidence of the lead singer in a music video, it’s important to prove to your fellow employees and your superiors that 1) you are a team player and 2) you have soul.
I’m being a little facetious, but a key prerequisite to assertive behavior is demonstrating that you are in fact a decent human being who sees the humanity in those around you, who’s willing to take feedback and learn and grow, whose basic interactions with others are amiable and respectful. This is just Having a Job 101, but it’s important to remind ourselves that first and second and third impressions really do matter.
The other component here that cannot be circumvented is doing your actual work and doing it well. Just because you have a strong sense of self doesn’t mean everyone else is ready to put a premium on your good judgment and business savvy. You have to earn people’s trust and admiration before it comes time to say, “This is a hill I will die on” or “This is a thing I deserve.”
Tone and Temperament Matter
Remember earlier when I said being polite isn’t always as important as being right? Here’s a fun twist for you: it’s actually possible to be both. So much of how we’re perceived has to do with the tone we use as well as our ability to speak with empathy and understanding. There is a huge difference between saying “This is how we should do this” with understated firmness and saying, by virtue of your tone of voice, “This is how we should do this and anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb and embarrassing and probably morally suspect.” You know the difference, and if you don’t, listen to people around you. Who speaks in a way that invites collaboration and support, and who speaks in a way that shuts down conversation?
Think, too, about the words you use. While it can be tempting to start sentences with “I’m sorry,” don’t do it. Over-apologizing is not the same as being polite. But phrases like “I think” and “In my view” go a long way to demonstrate your receptiveness to others’ perspectives and a willingness to work for your goals in a way that grants everyone dignity and a seat at the table.
Lastly, just try to be nice. I know this is an oversimplification, and I know we can sometimes over-prioritize civility, especially when it comes to our expectations of women, who are compelled to be likable, empathetic and whatever the opposite of “bossy” is. But there is no excuse for consistent prickliness, grumpiness or scorn. You’re a professional in a professional setting, and that means acting with—hold onto your hat—professionalism.
Trust Yourself
Like I said in the beginning, chances are, if you’ve made it this far or spent any amount of time thinking about how to be assertive in the “right” way, you’re already capable of doing it. Now it comes back to that self-belief. You’ve done the work, you’ve laid the foundation, you’re conscious of your tone and reception, so there’s only one thing left to do. Go for it. Go after what you want and pursue what you believe, and just remember: no jerks allowed. (Can someone please tell my old boss?)
Andrew Forrester is a writer whose work has appeared in Parents Magazine, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and elsewhere. Andrew also teaches English and creative writing in Austin, Texas, and has a Ph.D. in English literature from Southern Methodist University.
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